Sad day for a mother...

Today was my first real Mother's Day. Baby is still in-utero, but the knowledge that I finally get to be a mom for real, has been a most sacred gift.

I thought a lot about my mom yesterday and today. I called her today, of course. She seemed to be doing well...better than last year. Last year has been the theme running through my mind and heart all week. Monday the 2nd was the anniversary of George's death. The 5th was the day we buried him. Last year, my mom lost her youngest son a week before Mother's Day. It still breaks my heart to think about.

I have often marveled at the sheer magnitude of my own grief and have written on the affect it has had on my every-day way of seeing, thinking, feeling, dreaming. Now, as I carry this blessed little life within my being, I can't imagine what it's like to go through the whole cycle. It seems wrong and twisted to carry a life inside, painfully bring it into the world (that boy did a number on her body, I tell ya), love it, teach it, nurture it...watch it die. Even once my child is no longer within me, I can't imagine him/her being any less than a part of me forever. We are sharing my body, which will never be the same again. My heart, my soul, my thoughts...permanently changed. What a magnificent and monumental gift! To lose that gift in the way my mom lost George...I just can't fathom it. A mother shouldn't have to go through that. Not ever.

So, I'm thinking about my mom and all the moms who have ever suffered the loss of children. Happy Mother's Day, all of you. May you heal in knowing that your babies are still a part of you (even if it was through adoption) and they are watching over you.