I was in a crap mood all day today. It's difficult not to be on a day when most people in the area are preparing for a celebration and I'm grappling with the memory of putting my brother in a box in the ground. Who buries their brother on Cinco de Mayo, anyway? Well, when he dies on May 2nd and everyone's bereavement leave is running out, you do what you have to. I would have just spent the day as a shut-in, but Daryll had an appointment with the neurologist to test his neuropathy and then I had a date with the endocrinologist. I dreaded the thought of anyone asking me if we had plans for the holiday, because I honestly didn't know how I would answer. Fortunately, no one did. As it was, I had a hard time with anyone asking me the polite “How are you, today?” The answer was something like “I'm doing well”, when the voice in my head was really saying, “I planted my brother a year ago, today. How do you think I'm doing?” That's not fair, though. That's not nice.
If it's any consolation, I had a really good gluten-free chicken quesadilla with soy cheese, salsa, re-fried beans and soy sour cream. Not exactly authentic, but It's what I had access to and I have food allergies. I did make sure to pelt it heavily with Tabasco...not for Cinco, for George. He loved the stuff. We put a bottle in his casket with him, alongside his favorite childhood teddy bear, making sure Fuzzy (the bear) got a warm hug from each of us first. God, just typing those words makes me want a George-hug more than anything in the world. I wish his grave wasn't so far away. I know it's just his body in there, but it's something I could be close to. It's simpler to grasp...and yet, more difficult. At least with his iPod sharing his tastes in music with me, here at my computer, I can imagine his spirit close by. There is something of him here...I just can't touch it in the same way I used to reach out and squeeze his warm, soft shoulder and then go in for a hug. They were the best hugs in all the world. My giant, squishy marshmallow. He was so full of love and I am so full of empty when I think of those hugs being gone forever.
I miss his visits. I miss battling it out as Jiggly Puff against whatever random characters on his Nintendo. I miss cooking for him when he'd stay for a week (which wasn't often enough as it was). I miss Mario and Luigi. I miss random, crazy posts on Gaia. I miss emails. I only have three saved in my yahoo in-box. I'll never delete them. I miss George. I miss George.
I miss you, Baby Boy.
A year ago today, we put your body in the ground. When it starts to haunt me, I remind myself that it's not really you in that box. You are free and can go anywhere...I hope you come see me again, soon. I promise to tell the baby all about Uncle George.
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