As we grow closer to the year-mark of your leaving, I am astounded at how life goes on. Sometimes, I miss the grieving because it felt like you were closer, even though you were “gone”. Here I am, moving forward, moving on, moving....away from the everyday pain. It does visit at times, dropping in unexpectedly. Brief moments, when it comes back with full force. The pain of losing you. The indescribable, unimaginable pain. Even having lived it, I marvel at the sheer magnitude of that anguish. And I marvel at the life-giving lessons you left me with.
Just today, as I was showering with my little cell phone propped open, playing my collection of mp3s, a shaft of light caught my attention as I was thinking of you...a small streak of brilliance shining over the surface of my little phone. As I stepped out of the shower, mystified by this little beam of light...of life...the song that reminds me of you the most came on.
“How many years since you found yourself
staring at an endless sky?”
~VNV Nation
As I stood transfixed on the idea of light and the song that brings me back to you, I realized something that had been escaping me until this point. In every shaft of light that streaks across my consciousness, in every particle that shines and brings wonder, you are there. You are light dancing, my sweet, wonderful brother. You are that beam of truth, that glimmer of remembrance, that transformation. Even as I sit astonished at these things, life and truth grow within me, soon to become my child. Life goes on and love goes on...it just changes shape. There will always be tears and there will always be dancing shafts of light. And you, George, will always live on in both. You are not so far away, it seems. You are right here, shining your reminders, sending lessons and realizations that I would never have seen without you. I miss you and I love you and while I would give anything for just one more hug, I know it is these blessings you embrace me with. I will take them as I journey onward. I will pass the love on to this new life growing. I love you, baby brother. Always.
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